I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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