I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
