Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
