i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Panties = found
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
