i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
