1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
