i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
