piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
