I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
