The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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