Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
