omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I touched a dick in church today
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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