if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
if only i could text you this smell
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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