I don't usually arrange sex via text message
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
