your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
