me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
