Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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