the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
