i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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