mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
