There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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