Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
