Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
