The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
