all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
