my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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