So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
