I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
