Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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