I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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