Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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