if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
