bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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