Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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