You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
