i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
