We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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