Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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