If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
