I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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