they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
