my phone needs a breathalizer
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
