Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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