2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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