dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no. you can't hotbox the world.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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