My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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