happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
