ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
