My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
