If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
