You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
