Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
