He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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